Wednesday, October 6, 2010

INVISIBLE URUGUAYANS – Montevideo, Uruguay (datas diferentes)

Someone must own those cars...hmmm
   

          Sometimes you just need to get away from it all. Unfortunately, if you must leave town because your tourist visa runs out and you will become illegal, the desire is exacerbated by the threat of deportation. Should you go to Montevideo for a few days? It’s a good idea because in late September/early October (at least) no one lives there.
         

           
Isn't there a better use of beachfront property? C'mon...


          Sure, you’ll find the lonely baker selling empanadas or churros, an elderly pharmacist, a disenchanted bookseller. But try finding a bar at quitting time with more than three people in it. A safe bet of one thousand Uruguayan pesos (about fifty U.S. bucks) says you’ll have a better chance of finding anti-Israel graffiti or a stray dog than a native with a smile on her face and a drink in her hand.




Montevideo is as unnatural as this scene
in a public park: cats and ducks living together;
no one was around to explain the rules to them
            Are you looking for action? Go somewhere else. We couldn’t tell if they took on the siesta habit of their old colonial rulers, but by three o’clock on Friday afternoon all the restaurants and stores were closing up shop. If it weren’t for the aforementioned political spray paint in the Centro neighborhood, you might have guessed everyone was getting ready for Shabbos services at temple. Guide books warned of prostitution and casinos, but we saw no evidence of cheap sex, and only spotted one casino and the sad place couldn’t be bothered to fix its sign: “CAS NO” they proclaimed.


Big turnout at the Mercado del Puerto
 
            One might figure everything must pick up at night, yes? Guess again! True, people filled up restaurants like meat palace El Fogón in Centro and the heavy-on-the-cream-cheese sushi and such of Café Misterio in Carrasco, but then—phhhhhwap!—into the ether right after paying the check. 

            If you need to make a city yours, Montevideo’s 1975-ish, pre-renovated Miami Beach-esque feel is ready for a takeover. No one will stop you.

Friday, September 17, 2010

O SECRETO É CHATO – Bar Secreto (datas diferentes)

Not to sound babyish, but while the “secret” of Bar Secreto has long been out of the proverbial bag (due in no small part to the legendary Madonna and Jesus Luz hook up), the last two times we visited I was surprised to find out the real secret is that the place kind of sucks. Sure, you expect cool night spots to degenerate into the breeding grounds for the lawyers-away-from-the-office and the recently brokenhearted rich girl types. But polo shirts and Chanel bags aside, the horse-choking cocktail cost, the strange mix of music from the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 2000s and today (which sounds like an adult contemporary radio station’s slogan—and it should—because it basically was the slogan of Lite-FM in New York for decades), and the aggressive clientele made for a generally uneasy, if not unwelcoming feeling.
Do girls like getting punched in the shoulder on the dance floor? Do bartenders like getting the eye-blinding light function of some fat jerk’s cell phone waved in their faces so that they might more quickly serve his royal fatness? Maybe it’s the overcrowding or the low-quality Brazilian cocaine, but people in this place get really angry really fast when they don’t have their way and don’t have enough room. It’s not Nazi Germany, but I’m sure someone less reasonable than me has already made the comparisons.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SÃO PAULO AND NEW YORK—Part One

            I’m waiting for my grande espresso at Starbucks, and Leo is called over and over again.  Everyone looks confused.  The barrista looks at me, and I wave him off because I’m not Leo.  Obviously, Paula in front of me waiting for her macchiato isn’t Leo, either.  But the teenager keeps calling to let Leo know that his two teas are ready.  Another employee notices, comes over and really starts screaming Leo! LEO!  Finally, Leo arrives.
            Curly-headed and looking vaguely embarrassed he took so long, Leo aggressively approaches the counter to claim his two drinks.  As he takes one in each hand, the one in his right pops open because it wasn’t properly closed.  Totally fucking burns his hand and wrist.  Everyone working there tries to offer him help.  He refuses cold water, ice, everything.  I reach behind me and grab some napkins and put the stack up next to the little puddle that’s formed in front of him.  He doesn’t say thank you.  Doesn’t even look at me.
The girl working the cash register comes over and begs the guy to come behind the counter into the back room so she can put his hand in ice.  He doesn’t respond.  In fact, Leo hasn’t screamed in pain or said one word since showing up.  He just stands there looking at his hand—holding it up and staring intently at his pinking skin like a guy whose arm is changing into another creature or foreign substance (like in a science fiction movie or a super hero origin flick where the guy realizes his power for the first time). 
            Leo takes a napkin.  Takes the two cups.  Sits down with his blonde girlfriend.  Angry.  Understandably so.  Grumpy.   Doesn’t look like he’s saying anything to her either.
            I get my espresso and sit down.  Five minutes later I turn around.  Leo and his girlfriend are making out.  Like fully going at it.  They’re in their 30s, or possibly early 40s, and acting like they’re teenagers in a closet at a middle school party.  It’s impossible to ignore.  People walking by Starbucks turn their head to check them out.  The security guy eyes them a few times.  Any remnant of the spilled tea incident is completely forgotten.  No hint of a law suit.  No threats to the kids working behind the counter.  Love 1, Hate 0.

Monday, August 30, 2010

LANÇAMENTO DE CAMISA DO CENTENÁRIO DO CORINTHIANS @ Parque São Jorge —28 de agosto, 2010

           When you take more than one mg of Xanax after drinking wine for hours it’s difficult to wake up the next day.  Usually this potentially dangerous combination knocks me unconscious into the middle of the following afternoon.  But sometimes you need to sacrifice your comfort for your commitment to higher ideals and superior forces.  Eight o’clock, Saturday morning, was one of those times.  I had to prove myself.
            And so, with this tenacious investment in tradition that would not be deterred by any self-prescribed drug cocktail, I awoke in an unbalanced yet proud state so that I might bear witness to perhaps one of the most important events of the twenty-first century: the pre-practice release of Nike’s jersey commemorating one hundred years of the Sport Club Corinthians Paulista.
Sobriety: Nine a.m. = wholesome family activity
            Parque São Jorge was teeming with over three thousand anxious fans of all varieties: tough guys in old Corinthian jerseys shouted for Ronaldo, high-heeled moms rocked their corinthiano babies to the American hip-hop raucously thumping from table-top PA speakers, and teenage boys gripped the metal fence in anticipation of this event they knew they would be able to rub in the faces of their Palmeras and São Paulo-supporting schoolmates.  From the sun-soaked cement steps where I was sitting, many of the excited fans did not need Xanax to enjoy this moment or to diminish any anxiety about the shirt, nor Ronaldo’s return to the team, nor the indication of our new stadium in Itaquera, which would also host the opening of the 2014 World Cup.  Yes, things were looking good for all of my non-drugged out compatriots as we awaited this momentous occasion.
100 anos!  Beleza, gente!
            The team took the field in jackets and stood on a slightly elevated platform.  The announcer counted down, as the crowd joined in.  TEN!  NINE!  The sun was really hot. EIGHT!  Man, I was happy that I remembered to wear my sunglasses or this might have been hell.  SEVEN!  SIX!  Maybe I should have bought more water from the concession stand?  FIVE!  FOUR!  THREE!  Why is the whole team facing the other direction?  They’re facing the São Jorge club members, I guess.  TWO!  ONE!  Fireworks exploded!  I was slow to find them. The stadium cheered!  I couldn’t feel my legs.
The shirt wins!
Eventually, the team turned to our side of the park and our continued applause. Then practice began.  I stumbled down to field level to get a closer look.  The shirts look great—the original logo and a tasteful white and off-white stripe (reminiscent of the team’s first jersey’s color) matched with black accents.  Ronaldo does look out of shape.  My neck was made out of jelly and my fingers were numb.  Disembodiment was a small price to pay for such a great cause.  Even at R$189,90, The Church of Nike has set a low price for these classic indulgences, because ultimately, as Seinfeld once famously pointed out,  “You’re actually rooting for the clothes, when you get right down to it. You know what I mean? You are standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city.”  Our new clothes are awesome.  There is no disputing that.  This will be a great 100 years for all of us—Itaquera and Xanax permitting.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

THE ARTISTS AND THE TIME-LOCK MIDDLE SCHOOL BAT MITZVAH AFTERPARTY ON TATOOINE—7 de agosto, 2010

     Our evening began with The Artists. They weren’t excited we were there. In what we interpreted as particularly un-Brazilian behavior, the clusters of threes and fours around the living room sectional and huddled in reticent profiles around the kitchen table could barely muster an “Oi” or a “tudo bom?” when we walked in. The host introduced us, we introduced ourselves, we butted into conversations, we ignored others back—it didn’t matter. These were The Artists. The host showed us around the apartment he inherited from his great-great grandmother, an entire floor completely renovated to reflect his more post-modern artistic tastes (mannequins, taxidermy, slogans and graffiti-esque murals in unexpected places, like a “touch me” over a white spinet piano). The address offered multiple views of the Centro area of São Paulo, but by this time in the evening the neighborhood below was a mostly barren interplay of uphill city streets, poorly lit concrete lots, corrugated metal storefronts, and an occasional hive of crack addicts. Unfixing our eyes from the sprawling urban view, we returned to the living room scene where the others dictated the atmosphere with the electricity of heroin addicts or a nursing home. Was this the party? Music played from the hosts’ concealed iPod, plenty of Absolut and mixers were on hand—even some nan/esfiha bread hybrid put out near tiny bowls of tamarind and what may have been sour cream to put on them…but where was the action? A very adult party, indeed. The Artists had beers or booze in hand, and shrugged into the cushions of the couch as they lazily conversed, filling the room with their totally egotistical flatulence.


     (translated from Portuguese)“I only wear black.”


     “Oh, really.”


     “Yeah.”


A lesbian bottle blonde and the brunette swallowing all her sprightly friend’s words were equally interesting: “The last time I went to New York it was great, but, y’know, I go all the time.”


     “Cool.”


     “Yeah.”


     Besides the host, the one warm soul we ran into was on his way out with a friend—headed to another party across town. He left promising us a phone call so that we might join him. We waited for his signal. When it came we immediately escaped with our dignity before the get-together revealed the slightest hint of winding down. Until that point, we still feigned a continued but quickly tiring interest for eccentrically reupholstered furniture and framed movie posters. As we said our farewells to the host and waved goodbye to the antique light fixtures, The Artists were doing a makeshift fashion show. They discovered the suitcase of a drag queen vacationing out of town and began rustling around in his/her accoutrements like a trail of undernourished ghost ants spreading the plastic folds of a newfound vulnerable hard candy.


     A taxicab out of Cracklandia sped us to a well-to-do neighborhood of large houses, large cars and large electric fences. Headed toward the house of party number two, we were surprised to see our contact man taking flight. “Too heterosexual in there,” he half-warned, half-rationalized before descending on his next locale. We went in.
This advertisement features disco and Chandon: both alluded to in the corresponding post.


     Chandon bottles were haughtily plunged into an oversized ice bucket at the top of the stairs. Filling empty flutes, we entered the backyard where a buffet table still offered snacks, a highly situated bar with a male and female bartender offered cocktails, and up a small flight of stairs, a room in the house transformed into a dance floor with its own DJ for the evening. Seventies disco played. Of course it did.


     Vodka once again returned to our glasses, replacing the momentary champagne respite. Here, anonymity reigned. Many people navigating through tight spaces made it difficult to stand out or figure whom to talk to, as there were no introductions, no eyes met in recognition. We were free to be met or remain intriguingly mysterious (i.e. friendless) and without the glare of The Artists. Who here in the luxurious moon-made shadows of the rich would contest our belonging?


     Then—a flashback to middle school: these glossy girls all knew each other. Their tall, expensive boys all knew each other as well, only now they weren’t girls and boys, they were adults—married or engaged adults with companies and licenses in their names. Now as then they owned the world or at least their tightly designed portion of it. Here they were twenty years later, rollicking up the stairs to a private bathroom to do their drugs out of plain sight, dancing to music that devolved from the Studio 54 era to modern pop and eventually to the post-ironic expressions of the favela’s sadder places these guests would never have to visit. No parents could be out of town for twenty years, but the house echoed with the gratification of teenagers having gotten away with a large and undiscovered crime. Fixtures remained intact, windows stayed unbroken, but one nearly expected to see any of these women of means needing her hair cut from the tight grip of a closed door, like the rich and hopelessly insensitive supporting female character in Sixteen Candles.
Caroline Mulford (played by Haviland Morris) of Sixteen Candles.


     As it turned out this party was with purpose, held in honor of the hostess’ birthday (quite beyond those previously referenced sixteen years of age). The only alert to the occasion were the purple glittered sugar cookies in the shapes of stars, each in its own cellophane bag. Plated late into the morning, the desert replaced the Chandon at the top of the stairs. We took one for posterity, and descended into the warm living room to call a car home.


     By the fireplace, a life-size ceramic Dalmatian sat uncharacteristically still. The walls of the room had a quality like an adobe hut, with little oblong spheres cut into certain sections to form shelves where trinkets stood with the modesty of a Swarovski crystal display case. A dark wood slab ceiling endowed the space with a contradictory natural air. Large tapestries and gaudy photos completed the look. The room had a circular construction, with all of its angles rounded and leaning in—a claustrophobic effect. Jus then a squeal popped from the dance floor. Another woman ran in her stocking feet past us and up the stairs in desperation. We placed a call and panicked when we asked for our address. Cell phones were sought for GPS answers, but it became very clear at that moment we were at a bat mitzvah after-party on Tatooine. No cars could come to get us here. No way back to reality from this nouveau riche underground on the barren desert planet. We had traveled too far from our own system. And although it was obvious the natives were generally disinterested in our presence, we too, shared little cause for concern during the brief visit. Until now.
Tatooine


     Moments later, the satellite signal revamped, our technology returned (we couldn’t possibly unearth the address from a partygoer—the risk was too high), the precise location was found; we supplied the coordinates to the car company. The dispatcher responded a confirmation, allotting us exactly seven to eleven minutes for our return shuttle to appear. Descending back into the winter evening, a white Fiat taxi slowed across the street. While this was not the Millennium Falcon, it was just as well because this time we were not in dire need of a quick getaway, just a vessel to supply us with a soft re-entry into our own microcosms.

Monday, August 9, 2010

LOIRAS SEM CALÇAS: Stop Play Moon @ Studio M—3 de agosto; Viva La Fête @ Comitê Club—5 de agosto, 2010

We’re not sure if you can blame Lady Gaga for all female blonde singers hitting the stage sans pants. Maybe it started sometime around Madonna’s video for “Hung Up,” when she did that dance practice with the boom box, wearing the body suit.  Many other women began to follow (swim) suit, and take the no-pants angle further than it had been in recent memory.  Okay, a body suit covers you somewhat, but it’s definitely not like wearing pants, or even short-shorts for that matter. What’s the downside—not being taken seriously?  On one hand, the stage is not real life, because you wouldn’t go to the office wearing a gold lame bikini and a chain link belt any more than you would donning Gene Simmons’ melted metal and dinosaur boots costume circa 1979.  On the other hand, the music surrounding these ass-out ladies is not what critics would call serious.  This is party music or at least dance music.  In case you ever need to figure it out, you can tell you’re watching a band playing party music when there’s a blonde girl holding a microphone and dancing as her butt glistens whitely under the spotlight.*

            In an odd coincidence (or an unreliably small-sample proof of a trend), both Geanine Marques of Stop Play Moon and Els Pynoo of Viva La Fête both appeared this week intentionally forgetting to wear anything below their waists besides body suit bottoms.  Unsurprisingly, neither opted for a skirt, either.  

 Foto (left): Biju Caldeira
SPM performed a concise show of about forty minutes, featuring a mustachioed multi-instrumentalist figuring out which instrument to play with a talented drummer and over cued up playback tracks unleashed from Studio M’s floating sound booth.  In all fairness, Marques sang well enough that she could have worn pants.  And although SPM’s song selection verged on the dour, the early-New Order catchiness of generally integrating about two chords a song worked for them (ooh-ooh backup vocals never hurt either). Marques ended SPM’s last song not with an outfit change, but by picking up a guitar to play one high F# chord for the last two minutes.   Cute, not great. 
          
Conversely, the heavy electronic programming of Viva La Fête makes no pretense for true musicianship on record, but a full backup band offsets the live version of the band (a duo on their releases). As you might guess, when more human bodies are put on a stage the temperature tends to go up.  Fittingly, Pynoo started with just nude-colored stirrup leggings and a shirt. By show’s end, she broke down to a topless bustier and shiny pasties.  Asexual celibates might interpret her look as hiding a lack of talent, but singing prowess is not part of her shtick.  She’s more about whispery titillation à la Brigitte Bardot in Serge Gainsbourg’s “Bonnie and Clyde” than riding the blues scales at full volume like Beyoncé.  
Ultimately, the downside to the band’s late-starting show was Pynoo’s early exit, as the remaining Belgians were a lot less exciting (guitarist Danny Mommens’ eye makeup aside).  Meanwhile, Comitê’s stern security guards’ unforgiving stares reminded us that we weren’t allowed to put our drinks down on the large and nearly empty raised platform housing the sound board.  So, drinks in hand, we sat through an uneventful instrumental jam session culminating in a half-decent cover of “I Wanna Be Your Dog.”  Overall, fun but not FUN.

The remaining question then is the question itself.  Is it, “How was the ass?” or, “Which ass was better looking?”  To be fair, it’s a moot point.  SPM’s Marques was wearing a blazer covering most of hers, so she didn’t provide much for a point of comparison.  In theory, both women have no problem supporting the Look, Dude, I Can’t Be Bothered Wearing Bottoms movement because they don’t have much happening back there: it’s the same reason parents let four year-old girls go in the pool without a top to their bathing suits.  Nothing to see here. 

*Double-check that you aren’t at a burlesque night in New York or a strip club in Oslo.

Zee @ FILE 2010 Expo; Espaço FIESP—29 de julho, 2010

          When you go to the installation art room, Zee, they ask you to sign a waiver absolving FILE of any harm to come to you.  This request is as disconcerting as the piece itself.  For generations, critics have complained that art was no longer dangerous, that everything has been done, etc. etc. Kurt Hentschläger’s Zee comes as one unlikely possibility to fill the need of those disenchanted and negative about the art of our age.  The perennial question: “Yeah, but it is it art?” does hang over the work—but then again, I’m only asking this because as a non-art critic I have no true compass for judging art outside of what I remember from the art history classes I took in college.  Sure, Zee feels more like a carnival ride or a nightclub than an installation, but then again, how can you shock the public with art without going outside of the medium’s usual boundaries?

Ultimately, the nature of art doesn’t mean too much when your life is at stake.   So you can imagine my hesitance when I was asked about the status of my health—and to put it in writing—before checking out Zee. Unlike the waivers shlock horror movie maker William Castle had his audiences sign (so that he might drum up free press), the good people at FILE come across as genuinely concerned about the audience—impressive for a free exhibit. They want you to know that your hypertension and heart issues might be a problem for you inside Zee.  They want you to know that because of the massive amount of artificial smoke pumped into the room, asthmatics must beware.  They also want you to know that if you have epilepsy the constant bombardment of pulsing strobe lights may trigger a fit.  This last point was of particular importance to me.  I’m not epileptic per se, but this self-diagnosis may only exist because I’ve never been to a neurologist.  The only reason I have to ever consider myself in the slightest danger is a minor but life-long affliction triggered by quick movement around me, which occasionally results in the loss of some of my motor control; usually, this loss manifests itself by inhibiting my ability to speak or walk. This jitter happens for no more than five or ten seconds—but this is enough time to give pause to the two girls with the waivers explaining the protocol for entering and leaving Zee.

Eight people enter at a time.  We were two.  They told us to hurry into Zee when the door opened so the smoke would not escape.  We were told to hold the rope and let it direct us around the installation, making very sure not to pass under or over the rope into non-designated areas.  We were also told not to sit on the floor.  They made eye contact and told me directly, “If you get sick, cover your eyes with your hands and yell for help.”   Ok.  Not reassuring, really, but it was nice to know someone was listening.  Everyone was ready and we pushed ourselves through the opened door and into the icy meat locker billow of smoke. 
ZEE - Kurt Hentschläger
As promised, the smoke was substantial enough to get thoroughly inside of you—it tasted sweet, but it made it very difficult to breathe normally.  The guide reminded us to cover our noses and mouths with our shirts if we needed to.  Then, an equally thick bass-heavy tone began to drone. Then came the lights. Words like pulsing and flashing don’t really express the sensation or the consuming effect of Zee’s intense level of light, color, and smoke.  Your vision is fooled and your sense of direction is dropped into a near free-fall.  If it weren’t for slowly walking or feeling the rope sliding through your fingers as you made your way around the room, you would think you were actually floating.  It is difficult to explain Zee without devolving into metaphors about taking LSD or any other hallucinogens, but the interactivity of the thing is really not unlike a drug trip.  I stared into the lights, struggling to peer through the smoke.  I loved it.  And any dangerous physical reaction?  Nope. The monolithic shifting of luminescence didn’t trigger the slightest epileptic pang.

After a few minutes, you begin to wonder if the light show is all there is to the twelve minutes of Zee.  But overcoming the fear of teeny-tiny petit mal seizure, another horror surfaced.  What if someone grabs me?  The smoke assures that you can’t really see the other seven people unless any of them are quite close to you.  This apprehension was reminiscent of haunted houses in amusement parks: darkness, darkness, darkness, then BOO! and some animatronic Dracula, or a jerkoff in a gorilla suit pinches your forearm.  So at this point, wondering what could possibly come of Zee in the remaining minutes had me seriously considering that I might get attacked.  Maybe this was the cause for the waivers.

This new fear subsided, assuaged by the comforting and continual shifting of light and space. Maybe Zee would just continue unthreateningly, providing a nebulous earth-level planetarium.

Then someone grabbed me.  Of course, my first reaction was that it was my partner, playing a joke.  But, no!  I couldn’t believe it.

There was a strike at my shin. Bodies I couldn’t see began to back into me on both sides. A loud thud!  Smoke and more smoke.  Art is scary!  The guttural sound of someone having a seizure overtook the atmospheric soundtrack, and the victim thrashed about on the floor.  We weren’t supposed to sit on the floor, I recalled.

One of the FILE girls called out.  The soundtrack stopped.  The lights ceased flashing.  We were told to grab the rope and move to our left, returning through the amorphous smoke walls, back, back to the door we first entered.

Walking from the SESI building, we turned to see four or five police officers positioned on the plaza.  The FILE girls were running in and out of both doors of the installation piece. 
     
             I don’t really know how Zee ends.  Maybe it’s just more of the same: droning patterns of light and sound.  Maybe there’s a singing frog or a huge Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man you have to shoot down to get to the next level.  I’ll never know.  Go and see for yourself—but don’t forget to let the FILE girls know if you have hypertension.